Mandala pendant
Tell me if u like it.
Nasi Goreng Burger
During 'balik kampung' time back in the days, I don't think I remember going through the highway to go to Port Dickson. We had to take the 'kampung' road. And I can still remember passing by a certain river bridge that has this really really really strong stench that surpasses my brother's toxic fart and could pass through our old Volvo car. My parents would say "Bau babi, bau babi." I think they were right. Masa tu banyak case J.E.. Takda hygiene babi langsung.
In PD town, Dad would show us where his old house was. It was by the beach, facing the sea. "You could see the sunset every single day when the sky was clear," he said. But in this time after decades, the land has been submerged by the sea itself. The level has gone up by THAT much, because last time he could still walk THAT far. *imagine me pointing the far sea to you, hehehe* We would also go eat ABC gelas. Apparently the business is there every since Dad's time! And I would assume much earlier too because during Dad's time, the business was the father's and now it's the friend's. And like right now, it's the son's! Get it? But owh well, they still remember each other and we would always go find that ABC gelas. Last raya we were looking for it and realised that the whole block was demolished or something. Then we found a sign, ABC gelas somewhere. And it turns out to be them!! What coincidence eh? Meanwhile, Mum would show us the old cinema where she watched a movie with Dad. The building is still there with the old sign, never demolished. Not yet, anyway. On the same day, the May 13th incident happened. She said there were noises and sirens every where but they were asked to stay indoors, ke something like that, I don't really remember. I only remember the sirens part, hehe.
Back in the days in Taman TKK, we would be so excited to meet each other! All the cousins, the uncles and aunts, and of course our beloved Tuk and Nenek. There were loadssss of us kids, it was a noisy house. The house is not the typical kampung house. It's single storey bungalow with a large living room, three bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and a small kitchen. Not to mention the big garden space at the front AND back. All with beautiful flowers kept by Nenek. All the boys would want to book the 'bilik hujung' while all the girls want the 'bilik tengah'. But when it comes to bedtime, everyone wants to bring out the mattresses and toto(s) and pillows and blankets to the large living room and sleep together. We would tell each other stories and eventually sleep.
When morning comes, Tuk would be the one cooking breakfast for us. Then we would all walk to the beach to mandi laut. Bila puas, pergi beli ice cream kat tepi Petronas pump station, or beli nasi lemak. And then continue mandi laut again until surut around 5-ish. I really don't like it bila dah surut, the laut feels weird and makes me itchy. I remember everyone saying, memanglah hitam, mandi laut pagi ke petang. Well, memang pun. :)
Tuk would make a special nasi goreng called NASI GORENG BURGER!! Basically it's the usual fried rice but with small cubes of burger meat. It was so so heavenly. We asked Mum to make them every time we miss eating nasi goreng burger since Tuk had a stroke and couldn't really move about. It's actually the same, she cooked it the same way and everything. But it still feels and tastes different. We still wanted him to cook for us. Tuk masak sedapppp. Telur goreng pun boleh jadi sedap. Every time any of us ask him to cook something, he would put a thumbs up and say "SET!" with a big cheeky smile. Kind of like my dad. Hehe. And air milo would always be the nicest when made by him. Ingat lagi we all budak-budak ponteng puasa, he made air milo so that we can eat them with bread. Heaven, I tell you.
But we were all afraid of Nenek. Nenek memang garang. We would be running every where in the house, spraying water at each other, and with just one word from her, everyone would suddenly be sitting down, reading books or watching tele. Hehe. I remember being so scared of Nenek. She was beautiful, but she always looked so thin and frail although she was actually strong.
Nenek passed away of Alzheimer's. She really couldn't remember any of us. Except for my mum. She only trusted Mummy, as far as I can remember. She passed away when I was 13. I remember being so devastated because she was my first family member to go, so it was kind of like a first time for me to feel that way. To make it worse, it was during KYS's Family Day. It was past midnight when I got to Taman TKK. Everyone was asleep except a few uncles. That was the first time I saw them so weak, so heartbroken, so sad, that it made me shocked. And I saw her placed on the floor as they read Yassin in the dark, but I could still see their red, watery eyes. I couldn't bring myself to see her figure. There were no other places for me to sleep since I was late. So I had to sleep on her bed. It felt strange. I remember thinking, "No one else has been on this bed for years, except for Nenek. She would lie down here and ask for water and every time I want to salam her she would be lying here. And now it's empty, and I'm sleeping here!" I also remember telling myself to not be scared. They say after 3 days a person passes away, the soul would still be in the house to watch over relatives? I don't know how true that is.
I think Tuk passed away 2 years later. About the same month I think, or maybe near. I remember lots of tears, especially those who really took care of him over the years. It was an overnight weekend for me. We just got home from fetching me from KYS and were preparing to have a dinner out when Dad got a call. I have never seen him so urgent before. We skipped dinner and went straight to PD hospital, but we were too late. I think only one of the aunts saw him left. Everyone was crying next to his bed, but I remember just sitting at the corner and looking at them. You know the scenarios in the dramas or movies where they stood around the bed crying and the camera just has the nicest angle to see them. At that particular time, I was the camera. I saw it all. I remember lots of tears during the funeral. Some were unmanageable. I was scared looking at his pale face and I choked up, but I wanted to give him my last goodbye kiss. I didn't cry. One thing I can't do, cry in front of my family. There are only a few times I did and I can but at that time, I didn't. I felt I needed to be strong for them. But as always, in KYS, before I sleep I would remember both Tuk and Nenek and I would cry.
The year after, Raya was just not the same, it felt so strange. No one knows where to go and what to do and at the end of the season, you won't be able to meet everyone pun. A few years later, we managed. Like now, we would go back to Linggi and visit the kambing(s) and see the puppies and the turkeys. I say not only the kids that are excited, even we were! And of course we get to meet our big big other side of the family too. It has been a few years already since I set my eyes on that wonderful house in Taman TKK. The last time I did, the jungle opposite it was still scary, Nenek's flowers were all dry and gone, the house looked sad. Just sad. I even felt afraid to go in. How could I when even the gate would feel just so familiar. Burglars kept breaking in, taking the good TV, the still good old vacuum cleaner (it's a good brand, maybe that's why it was taken), the washing machine, the lights and fans! Seriously people, get a life.
All that will be changed. Dad told me they would be selling the house soon. They're trying to find a good and trustworthy buyer as the house means a lot to all of us. Dad said as they were cleaning the house, he found so many things still kept by Tuk. He found letters that were sent by him to Tuk when he was staying in the States. Tuk kept every single letter, apparently, and filed them together. There were also Tuk's clothes and kain pelekat. Photos and even birth certs! One thing went through my head when Dad told me all this: I wonder how Dad felt when he found the things left by Tuk. I never want to imagine.
Now, Adam and Ariz are going through what I went through when I was a much younger grandchild. Except they didn't go and mandi laut every weekend, hehe. Sebab tu diorang putih! haha! Mum always cooks the rice with a little bit of brown rice, for health reasons. The kids just love it so that asked their Mum to cook the rice the same way. But nope, it wasn't a success for them. They say it doesn't feel right and it just doesn't taste the same! Doesn't that seem familiar? Hehe. They want Nanna to do it, jugak.
Just like how we loved our nasi goreng burger.
Rain is Hujan is Bi
It was snowing all day yesterday. Thank God I stayed indoors. To add to it, the wind was horrible. They said everything was horrible.
But today was even horrible! To me, at least. It hasn't rained this much, although this IS the typical winter in Glasgow, rain rain rain rain. This winter tak hujan as much as the previous two years, as far as I can remember. Other Malaysian classmates were complaining on how dry and cold it is, but everyone else has been grateful since there hasn't been much rain!! Owh, but not today.
Had to dig my bag for my umbrella, dah lama tak guna. Little did I remember that the umbrella sudah cacat. But have to make do, it's still usable. Prepped myself, pakai long sleeve hoodie, pakai topi, put my hood on, wrapped myself with my scarf, pakai jacket and let's go!
So I was walking with my umbrella up to my department, with a few casualties here and there with it. Especially with the not-know-where-it's-coming-from wind. I had walk carefully, not too near the road as fast cars could not care less for pedestrians, just bashed through the puddle. Tak sayang kereta ke?! Hish.
I almost arrived, just two more minutes. I was already at the construction site of our new department building. There was a shaded pathway next to it for pedestrians' use. As I entered I closed my umbrella, what's the point of having it up anyways. A few seconds after that, SPLASSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!!! Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Drenched! Drenched with puddle of dirty smelly brown water! All over my hat, my face, my coat, my pants. AAAGGGGHHHHH!
What could be worse I didn't realize there was a lecture this morning for our hospital placements this April. Went to class as usual. Today classes jauh-jauh pulak tu. Great, on a rainy day. Had a lab session in the evening. Went in for 10 minutes, did the stuff, had to go out and wait for an hour and a half, went back in for 10 minutes, and that was us done. HOW FUN! Decided to go to the library after for some reading. When I saw out the window it wasn't raining as heavily, I decided to leave and go back home before the rain starts to fall again. No actually I lied. Terasa nak shopping because its Thursday night, kedai tutup lambat.
Tapi suddenly takda mood, so balik rumah je lah after beli a new beanie. :)))) It was on sale, £3 je. Jalan jalan jalan jalan jalan. SPLASH!! STUPID BASTARD! SAJA JE KAN?! JALAN BUKAN MAIN LUAS LAGI, NAK JUGAK ROSAKKAN KERETA DRIVE LAJU-LAJU KAT PUDDLE. KALAU SKIDDED MACAM MANA?! BUDUS.
Changed to dry clothes as soon as I arrived home, and decided to cook chicken soup. Sigh, on a cold rainy day, feels nice to eat chicken soup. And on a stressful day, feels even nicer to eat ice cream! Somehow feel so tired, feels like it's Friday today. It's not, so wake up! Tomorrow lagi fun okay, pagi sampai ke petang, siap ada lab lagi. Yes, lagiiii.
munch munch munch munch. At this rate, I don't know how much longer I have to wait for a warmer Glasgow. BIG SIGH.
Bila tension tengok orang lain
Today suddenly had the urge to cook a proper dinner. Craved for ayam goreng halia ala-ala Kak Amy's cafe masa in KYS dulu. Ada la rasa sikit but not as good. Takda the fav 'sampah-sampah'. hehehe
I just washed my hair today. Tutup rambut pun still bau dapur jugak. Complain ni nampak sangat tak selalu duduk dapur, hahahah!
Hmm, bila dah tau tak selalu masak tu, terkejut pulak tgk kuali yang takdala lawa sangat, dah terkopek sini sana. It's the non-stick one I got from Ikea for £2 only, big enough to cook a lot of servings I must say. It was already spoiled before by my old flatmate, 'twas just a few scratches. But now it's a wreck! I almost cried.
My mug from NEXT pun ada pecah sikit. I only realized after a few days I bought it, guna pun baru sekali. Tak taula when exactly pecah. Haishhh.
Sigh. Clearly emotions tak stable lagi. Up and down macam yoyo.
Tadi masa lab pun merepek. Selalu it's me and kawan perempuan ni akan duduk tepi dan saksikan argument yang bukan sebenarnya argument antara dua jejaka yang bengong bin bangang. Sebelum start lab dah agak dah, kami berdua akan sama-sama cakap "I sense an argument coming". Memang pun! Mr A tetiba bengang pastu complain kepada kami pastu Mr B kata macam mana every thing's decided when dia takda cakap apa-apa pun? Dah kau duduk kat tepi tingkap cakap "I don't care I don't care" memang la jadi macam tu, pandai! HISH! Pastu tanya nak kena buat apa padahal masa orang tua tu explain kau duduk jauh-jauh. Nasib aku ni baik, explain jugak dekat kau hanya kerana aku unlucky dapat drug sebelah drug kau. HISH! Kawan perempuan aku pun gelakkan aku kerana stuck dengan jejaka bengong bin bangang itu dan lantas pandang slack kat laki tu. HUAHUAHUA. Nak gaduh tapi taknak bercakap dengan each other. So kami gadis2 terpaksa duduk di tengah2. Drama ok, drama. Nyampah aku budak2 ni!!
Minggu lepas lagi drama antara mister-mister ni! Haha tiba2 gossip kat sini plak kan. Wth. Nak kena mini-vacuum some cells ke apa ntah, pastu knowing Mr B ni bengong bin bangang bin biul. Dia dah tau dia tak tau apa-apa (that sounds confusing but that is it), pastu suka hati dia buat ni buat tu. Pastu pakcik demonstrator ni datang berlari2 dan menjerit "No no no no no nooo" betul2 sebelah telinga dia tapi dia masiiiiiiiiih sambung mem-vacuum macam takda effect langsung!!!!!!! Kami bertiga tak terkata. HABIS SPOIL! Pastu mula lah Mr A ni bengang. Dia vacuum cell semua orang cepat2, taruk whatever that's needed cepat2 pastu bla. DRAMAAA! Bukannya bitch drama, anjing drama. Asalkan results aku elok sudah.
Sigh, I should get my ice cream.
Elevation
Hari ini mood sungguh baik! Saya suka!
Maybe because today's symptoms lab went quite well and my confidence got a little bit higher. Not sure about next week though. Tutorial went well too. Tomorrow another full day, and I'll get my usual Wednesday off. WOOHOOO. Terasa nak shopping because dah lama gila tak shopping but haritu just bought a set of linens. So, em, but that's different! I want nice bajus.. :( That's the only thing that's keeping me down today. And also I miss home jugak. :(
I should go and get something to eat.
Btw, Teddy's in UK.
He didn't believe me when I said Glasgow was sunny and panas sampai berpeluh. Well I didn't mention you would still have to wear a winter coat, but it IS true! Jangan jealous ok orang dekat London. I heard it's snowing somewhere mid-Eng. Pity, it's already February! Hehehe I shouldn't say much, nanti snow datang sini. DREADFUL!
p/s: Did I mention I crave for toasts nowadays? Just toast with butter and kaya. TAPI KAYA TAKDE! ADA SUGAR JE!! HMPH!
Awaken
Woke up at 5. I always do these days, no idea why. It's suddenly too warm in this cold weather. Must be my mattress heater. Switched it off, and got up from bed to switch the lights on. I could feel the cold again.
I looked at myself in the mirror. Eyes swollen, face reddened, sweat drops from my forehead, not to mention my hair going all over the place. My t-shirt dampened from the sweat. I crawled back into bed and switched on my laptop.
The images ran through my mind again. Why did I have that dream? I crumbled and cried just thinking about it. Did it mean anything?
I decided to call home to straighten my mind. It feels calmer now.
Need my sleep back.
BENCI
Finally felt like crying and don't even know what for!
Finally thought of everything and finally felt the insecurity!
BENCI NYA PERIOD!!
Dysmenorrhea pulak tu! (exaggerating sangat)
Nak Options
Nak BBQ
Nak potato salad
Nak bilik yang spacious!
Ok so I have been thinking. I'll be 'moving' to Taunton this mid-June. What happens to my current flat in Glasgow? By the time I come back, contract would be finished within days. All sane people would agree that it's not worth paying two flats at the same time. So what should I do?
Option 1: Just pay. It won't hurt, would it? You'll be paid working in Taunton, anyway. It would hurt my internet banking alright.
Option 2: Move out, get all my stuff cleared to someone else's place for the time being, move to Taunton, come back to Glasgow to a new flat.
Option 3: If I don't get the interview in September then might as well move out, move to Taunton, and go back home straight after I finish working.
Heck I don't know.
My back is giving me a paiiiiin! I want Haagen Dasz chocolate chip cookies NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edit: Lepas mem-browsing flats in Taunton, the place looks really really homey, very very different than Glasgow. I think I'm in love with the place, without even been to it. Hehe. Tapi come to think about it, takut la pulak nak go sorang-sorang. :'(( Tapi nak jugak, it'll be an experience, kan?
hmmm.
Furious but not Fast
I'm furious. Really. You don't know that part of me to be thinking or even knowing how good it feels like to have him in my life and how a better person I am now because of him. And OMGDragon, especially after 5 years please don't be telling me there's only one reason I'm hanging on, "He's hot". Owh pleeeease don't.
It's so unfair! Unfair I tell you. Like another friend who has told me, whenever I tell him of my problems, he says he would never tell me, "Imi, you deserve better." because it's just unfair for the guy. How would he feel like if he knows someone told me that? How would I feel if someone tells him he deserves a better girl than me? I'd say "WTH you idiot!" Same goes.
But I'm not saying you darlings were wrong. I understand you want the best for me. Right now girls, right now, all I can see is this is the best for me. If/when I see a better option, I'll choose that. But now, no. No others are laid in front of me, prolly because there are just no others! And especially because, this is for me, for us.
This is just like an exam. If/when I fail, I'll learn from it and I'll strive for better. I haven't failed. No actually I have. And look who it got me to, after 1 and a half years? What do you think I've been doing at that time? Play blind and stay single? So no. We haven't failed. Fine, we're average but we're ok to our own standards. And if/when it happens, I can say "Now you can say padan muka". Why do I have to wait up to that stage, you ask? Why not? Why. Not.
Something happened last year when I had the same thoughts and impressions as you did. I thought I did everything right and that I was the good one, and all he did was nothing except being a pain. They say, 'the words that come from your mouth, you're the first to hear'. So I can say that maybe, I was deaf all this while? I realised straight away I was wrong. But everyone around me was constantly telling me "Don't lose out on this", "Get your point straight to his head", bla bla bla. Wrong wrong wrong.
It was an even more pain to be handling me, yet I'm complaining? My head and nose were too high up in the sky to be saying, asking and begging him to understand myself, yet I realise that I don't understand him? I desperately want him to know how it feels like to be leaving his side, but do I know how it feels like to be left? I chose, I was and I am the one that made this into a LDR. So why was I complaining? Because I didn't understand and I didn't see. But that's all in the past tense. So why is he still here? I won't answer that, you should get the jiggy by now. I hope.
It took me that long to see. Thanks to his patience and compliance and love. As corny as that sounds. But it's true. I don't know what he tells himself but I constantly tell myself, no one else could understand us better than us both, even though it's not much. And The Almighty too, of course.
In your eyes, he might be that guy who just doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve this shit. But in my eyes, maybe he doesn't deserve all this selfishness of me, and deserve better. But he is standing still, waiting. I'm happy and thankful for that. You don't know how much I've been cursed and hated by other guys on this pitiful side of me. But he is standing still. For that, I always try to give him my best, apa yang mampu, living 8 hours from his past. And for that, I love him with all my heart, soul and mind.
You girls know I have never said these words to you. Like you said, all I say was "I don't know." If it took me that long to see, it doesn't matter if it took you that long to see as well. If you still can't but you've tried, that's good enough because I love you all too. Friends are always the ones I've cherished and will always until my last day of life. And if your nawaitu(s) are for the best of my future, then I humbly accept it. Well I'll try to. ;)
And so, stand by our side on this, dang it! :) InsyaAllah, our time will come.
Dear Friend
As the day comes closer, you'll be a better man, my friend. A better man called a husband.
May your new life be gleeful, complete and forever lasting.
Congratulations in advance, Ahmad Shukri & Nurul Hidayah, on your nikah this coming Monday, 15022010. Shuk, lafaz sekali je yer, :p.
Tears of joy and sadness. Sedih tak dapat tengok kawan baik ku kahwin. :)
Subconscious Part 2
I was suddenly driving in a highway. A jam-packed highway. The weird thing is not the highway. It's the car. I'm not sure how to describe the car, it's definitely not a usual one. It's not made of steel. I can't say it's made of a box either. It's like a polystyrene, maybe? Anyway, it is a weird car.
So I'm driving happily with my laptop at the co-driver seat. Owh me and the lawn-mower are such best friends. We go far away. And we were heading somewhere. I think it's to some city to have dinner after the guys finish their rugby. Owh how realistic.
But somehow, there was a couple who was driving behind me. They were so out of their minds, they pushed me off the road! But I managed to control my light weight car, that I ended up behind a slow trailer. They passed next to me and gave silly faces and pushed me off the road again. And then, the funniest thing happened...
I was driving on a wall of a tunnel!!!
And suddenly I could carry my car like how The Flinstones would, and positioned my car back into traffic. But that didn't end there. The couple's jealousy was not to be messed with. They crashed my car onto the back of the trailer, and so my car was folded nicely. Hahahaha. I was so pissed! I took my laptop and walked to the back of the traffic (don't ask me how) and suddenly I was in an area that kinda looks like in a plane, with the seats arranged like that.
The weird thing was I was happy playing with my laptop and my friends were telling stories of their rugby game. The drama didn't end there.
Ben was telling me they won, and then another said he lied, and a commotion came up. Everyone was screaming and yelling and saying that that's not the real Ben! WTF?! And then I realised there were TWO Ben(s) next to me! With the same tied curly hair and the matter-of-fact face. And so I ran as fast as I could to the back of the seats and saw Mr Love standing in his seat. I quickly ran to him and told him of everything.
In the end, there was him, me, with the two Ben(s) next to me, and suddenly my Dad appeared. He was standing next to our seats and he looked at us both. We were holding hands and I thought of letting go or else what would my Dad think?! But he showed no signs of acknowledging my thoughts and Dad wasn't even bothered. Talk about home sick.
And suddenly I found my car. It's folded nicely and have been transformed into a luggage. WTF.
What a weird dream. I feel like I'm in kindergarten.
p/s: I didn't use the dream analyzer. (Google dream analyzer) Go ahead and check it for me if you want. Haha
Listen, Mr Big.
We're not playing a Russian roulette here. So here goes.
I vow (not for the first time and hopefully the last that I have to say this), I will take you, Mr Big, seriously in my years to come. I want to be able to lead a wonderful life later. For that, I must strive now.
Not like I didn't realise before this, Mr Big. But you gave me a big bitch slap and I'm thankful for it. I hope I didn't fall too deeply so that I can reach the top in time. A good reflex. For that, I must strive now.
Unfortunately, you're not my only concern, Mr Big. I have so many other things in mind and to care of. But I know, I must prioritize, and for the coming few years, you should be my number 1, along side Mr Love that is. For that, I must strive now.
Mr Big, please. Please. I beg you. I need to pass through you. So let me strive now.
So who IS Mr Big?
Milk!
A healthy craving at last!!
Healthy but weird. I crave for milk lately. I think it's my PMS craving, but hellooooo. Milk?? Tak pernah dibuat Imi. hehehe
But yea, I don't really crave for chocolate (white chocolate doesn't count). Sometimes when I feel the taste of milk in my mouth without actually having it (that's craving alright) and then I realise there's no milk in the fridge I'll go utterly disappointed!!
I'm not a milk person! I never drink milk on its own! I have my cereal with milk and not with water but that's another story.
I'm having a cup of milk right now. And it feeeeeeeels goooooooooooood. ;)
p/s: Lawn mower's back but milk is distracting me for now.
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