Stress over work is seriously nothing new.
I feel like the time itself could swallow me while I go anxious on just thinking whether my plans would work and finally ended up procrastinating.
The laptop is the devil.
The room is the devil.
The lighting is the devil.
The table is the devil.
The heating is the devil.
I remember telling myself,
"Owh I have a week. That's more days than the previous test."
And I swear there was a small voice in me saying,
"We'll go to the library and study our butts off!"
And another voice said,
"The weather is so bad, we'll just stay at home and study."
We ALL know home and study doesn't go well for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope I studied well for this. Owh God, crying won't even help. (Which is why I haven't! Pat in the back.)
While 'studying', the usual OCD for Facebook comes now and then. Happily scrolling down looking for updates that I KNEW wouldn't amuse me at all in the first place. When suddenly, I saw this name. The name I haven't even thought of, heard of, BOTHERED of for years. And I saw it. It wasn't even the owner's profile, it was just a mention. It's there. The name is there on Facebook.
I have to admit though there were a few mentions here and there over the second half of the year because of another kind of OCD person that really resembles her here. *Oops, did I let you guys know it's a HER? Sangat bimbo aku nih.* Being a photostat machine and a copy cat. But that's about it.
It disappeared from our lives (most of my close friends') because it chose to. For various stupid and idiotic reasons that only movie producers or novel writers can think of (and make it logically acceptable), making stupid decisions, irrelevant and nonsense excuses for God knows what, that I must confess, hurt me terribly considering how close we were before.
However I must confess again, that it lasted only for a nanosecond before a feeling of DISGUST overwhelmed me. And till then, not one person would even mention the name.
"Owh tak tau lah apa jadi dengan dia."
"I don't even know or care dia hidup lagi ke tak."
Those are the usual answers given by friends when asked of its roundabouts. It could sound harsh to you, but it is up to that extent. And the existence of it is slowly erased from our minds.
If no one knows what I'm talking about, that's uber-ly good.
If anyone of you reading knows what I'm talking about, you might be thinking any of these;
"Referring to the person as 'it' sangatlah kejam, very inhumane and immature."
"I agree to every single word you say and please just forget about this 'it'!"
"OMG IT'S ALIVE??"
Or any other responses.
The hatred I have for it now is obviously gone as I can't really convey it into my writing successfully. Obviously because I wouldn't want to waste another Joule of my energy on hating it. I might as well just accept the fact, move on, give her what she wants and just get lost. Right?
And I don't think it would hurt me if this reaches to the concerned party, because I'm just voicing out the obvious of what has been happening for the last fucking 4 years and that 99% of my friends actually think of the same thing.
If one should feel sorry, it shouldn't be me.