I deserve it
Rasa nak nangis pun ada. But I knew it would happen.
Padan muka.
Showing posts with label Self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self. Show all posts
When will I Learn
"You look mature for your age. You think maturely."
Those are the words I commonly get from lecturers and some of many bosses I work for at the hospital.
Being an intern makes you think more and more about yourself. You think you can gain experience and knowledge. NO, you believe so and of course you gain them. Nonetheless, at the same time you think how small you are, how shallow your knowledge is to the world of your future profession.
When will I learn how to think professionally? When will I learn how to think seriously of my future? All this while I assume I've been thinking seriously. However, have I really? I feel like my way of thinking haven't changed since school, how I study, how I handle things. I feel as if my scope of knowledge hasn't widen. Will I ever grow up and cope with what I've targeted for for years?
It took me 2 years of my course to really really realise that this is it. This isn't college where you study and work hard only to be able to study elsewhere better. NO. This is a higher target. You study so that you can be what you want to be for a lifetime. Knowing and realising while acknowledging it is different. Very.
My words are simple; feeling so is even more complex and deeper.
Make Me See
You can either see too much, or too less. In just 24 hours, I've come to know that I see both.
I see more. I see stuff that I don't want to about people's life. A friend to be exact. I don't want to know such sad endings through my dreams. I would rather them telling me and seeing it with my own eyes to believe it. I guess God is testing me. What should I do? Should I keep it to myself, or should I tell?
But you make me see otherwise. I want you to understand me, but I never seem to want to understand you. Why is that so? That is just unacceptable of me. And now that I realize, I feel sorry for myself, for us, for everything. You taught me things I would never find out on my own. With that, never say that I don't need you, that you're not needed. That is why, I see less.
Thankful, Grateful, Regretful?
Thankful?
Yes, my 2nd year is hopefully over with!! I had 3 days straight with killer papers. While we saw each class enjoy their last paper with champagne the moment they step out of the 'hell' hall, we complain of how an ass the paper was instead. And I couldn't imagine I would be in this position right now, a position with no more exams for the year! With my body getting used to only 3 hours of sleep, I now can't sleep more than 3 hours when I want to. Sad, I know. Especially when now you have no more reading to do. But then that's fine. There are always other stuffs to do.
Grateful?
Even after sleepless nights during exam, post-exam is still as tiring. I'm helping out on a particular event here, just for fun and experience. It would look good as a volunteer work on my resume too, hehe. And at these times I sometimes wonder why others would choose otherwise, on not to volunteer, in any particular work, event, concert, gig or charity. Because these are one of the moments when I feel upmost grateful of the people around me. You can get tired of working, but you never get tired of enjoying and laughing do you? I don't.
Regretful?
Am I regretful? I was thinking is this the right thing for me to do? Would being far away from loved ones be worth it? Would my actions now give bitter impressions and disgust from people? Would I be saying "I shouldn't have done this, and go with the others instead" in the future when I start working, when I get married, when I have my own kids? Would I doubt whether I've taken the right path at this current time?
Everyone experiences different things with different sets of people. From that they learn and mould how they will be in time to come. And if I judge from how I think I have the best parents around, then no, I'm not regretful. I'm all of that but regretful. Of course people who live far away from their families would agree with me when I say "I do feel sorry being half way across the world and not able to share the same hour with them", but we dream and we chase them.
Its not about being selfish. Our time comes now and their time may be later.
And we would be as grateful and thankful as they are now.
To You. Needn't.
It wouldn't be right to tell you, there would be no point to burden you more. Yet why am I upset?
I am a girl that is still learning to be an understanding person to my loved ones and to be self-less. But I hope you know, there are times that I need to learn about myself, to take care of myself, to cherish myself. As I know, that is what I'm short of and that could hurt me with time.
There is no room for anger. There is only for support. I don't have expectations, but courtesy would be nice.
The choice to shut this off from you is a painful yet hopefully a constructive decision I made. Take a step back and see that I've shared my life with you. So forgive me on this as this is between me, myself and I, and of course Him.
I don't need to be sympathized. I don't need those faces from you. Because your happiness is mine, your burden is mine, and my burden will be kept and locked away far from you.
Mianhe.
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