I'm furious. Really. You don't know that part of me to be thinking or even knowing how good it feels like to have him in my life and how a better person I am now because of him. And OMGDragon, especially after 5 years please don't be telling me there's only one reason I'm hanging on, "He's hot". Owh pleeeease don't.
It's so unfair! Unfair I tell you. Like another friend who has told me, whenever I tell him of my problems, he says he would never tell me, "Imi, you deserve better." because it's just unfair for the guy. How would he feel like if he knows someone told me that? How would I feel if someone tells him he deserves a better girl than me? I'd say "WTH you idiot!" Same goes.
But I'm not saying you darlings were wrong. I understand you want the best for me. Right now girls, right now, all I can see is this is the best for me. If/when I see a better option, I'll choose that. But now, no. No others are laid in front of me, prolly because there are just no others! And especially because, this is for me, for us.
This is just like an exam. If/when I fail, I'll learn from it and I'll strive for better. I haven't failed. No actually I have. And look who it got me to, after 1 and a half years? What do you think I've been doing at that time? Play blind and stay single? So no. We haven't failed. Fine, we're average but we're ok to our own standards. And if/when it happens, I can say "Now you can say padan muka". Why do I have to wait up to that stage, you ask? Why not? Why. Not.
Something happened last year when I had the same thoughts and impressions as you did. I thought I did everything right and that I was the good one, and all he did was nothing except being a pain. They say, 'the words that come from your mouth, you're the first to hear'. So I can say that maybe, I was deaf all this while? I realised straight away I was wrong. But everyone around me was constantly telling me "Don't lose out on this", "Get your point straight to his head", bla bla bla. Wrong wrong wrong.
It was an even more pain to be handling me, yet I'm complaining? My head and nose were too high up in the sky to be saying, asking and begging him to understand myself, yet I realise that I don't understand him? I desperately want him to know how it feels like to be leaving his side, but do I know how it feels like to be left? I chose, I was and I am the one that made this into a LDR. So why was I complaining? Because I didn't understand and I didn't see. But that's all in the past tense. So why is he still here? I won't answer that, you should get the jiggy by now. I hope.
It took me that long to see. Thanks to his patience and compliance and love. As corny as that sounds. But it's true. I don't know what he tells himself but I constantly tell myself, no one else could understand us better than us both, even though it's not much. And The Almighty too, of course.
In your eyes, he might be that guy who just doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve this shit. But in my eyes, maybe he doesn't deserve all this selfishness of me, and deserve better. But he is standing still, waiting. I'm happy and thankful for that. You don't know how much I've been cursed and hated by other guys on this pitiful side of me. But he is standing still. For that, I always try to give him my best, apa yang mampu, living 8 hours from his past. And for that, I love him with all my heart, soul and mind.
You girls know I have never said these words to you. Like you said, all I say was "I don't know." If it took me that long to see, it doesn't matter if it took you that long to see as well. If you still can't but you've tried, that's good enough because I love you all too. Friends are always the ones I've cherished and will always until my last day of life. And if your nawaitu(s) are for the best of my future, then I humbly accept it. Well I'll try to. ;)
And so, stand by our side on this, dang it! :) InsyaAllah, our time will come.
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